


jonah magnus vs fatherhood

by arcadelightning



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Archive Groupchat, Canon-Typical Worms (The Magnus Archives), Everybody Lives, Gen, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Jonah Magnus is a Dad, Kid Fic, The Mechanisms Are The Archivist's Band, Trans Elias Bouchard, Trans Jonah Magnus, Trans Male Character, and i get to choose the dad, except it's two trans male main characters, it's my self indulgent fic vaguely based on my system, kidfic but make the kid a traumatized teen, possible jonah magnus redemption arc, soft bastard man, the magnus archives is an office comedy, yknow as if i wasnt self-inserting enough
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-15
Updated: 2021-01-07
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:22:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,546
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27577790
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/arcadelightning/pseuds/arcadelightning
Summary: A child turns up at the Institute. He is marked by the Eye. He is also a smug little bastard.Jonah Magnus has decided to take in this child, as a potential future body to swap to and possible heir to the Eye. Jonah Magnus is also a smug little bastard.As you can imagine, things will be interesting, and a large monkeywrench is about to be thrown into all of Jonah's plans.
Comments: 14
Kudos: 53





	1. in which a teenager tries to break into the magnus institute

The Watcher with A Thousand Eyes sat in his office, surveying his domain. The employees of the Magnus Institute, London, were going about their day-to-day tasks. The Archivist was reading out a statement. The archival assistants were doing... something. It seemed to involve a copious amount of plastic balls being smuggled in from Tim's car. He would have to talk to them about that later. He continued switching the location of his gaze, unconcerned for now. There was Rosie, the receptionist, taking a call. There was a rather greasy-looking child staggering up the steps to the Institute, clothed in ripped jeans and a ratty hoodie. There was- Wait.

Tim and Sasha paused and began trying their hardest to hide the balls they were going to fill Elias's office with. But their boss stalked right by, fuming over something, and payed them no mind except a quick snap of "We'll talk about this later." They looked at eachother, shrugged, and continued with their master plan.

The child was just beginning to try and enter the Institute through the front door when he got to them. He towered over them, golden eyes staring down at them in a similar fashion an owl would stare at a mouse. They looked back up at him, and evenly matched his gaze with their gray-green eyes. They looked defiant, and more than a little mad.

"Get out of my way, Britboy." He paused. The child was American? Well, that was interesting. But, American or not, there was no way he was letting a child into _his_ Institute. When he'd founded it, there had been no policy about keeping children out. But now there might have to be.

"I don't think I will. I am not letting a filthy child into my Institute." The child looked a bit taken aback. It blinked at him slowly and confusedly.

"Wait. You're Jonah Magnus?"

Oh no. Well. He may have to do something more about this child than simply keep it out of the Archives. The something involved the Lonely and his ex-husband and this child.

"No. My name is Elias Bouchard. Jonah Magnus has been dead for 200 years. I run the Institute, but I did not found it."

The child looked unconvinced, and began to try and push past him to get in.

"Don't care. Let me in now."

"What? No."

The child stopped and looked up at him, unimpressed. "I need to get in. I don't know why, but something's telling me I need to get into there."

Oh, good. Now there was a possibility this child was an Avatar, and that once in, would go from an impudent annoyance to a feral monster ready to kill him and his employees. So. He would have to do some Beholding. He looked deep into the child's mind. A woman appeared there quite frequently. Possibly the leader of whatever Entity the child served? He took a closer look and...

He was forcibly ejected from the child's mind and he stumbled backwards. There was an ache in his head and a child staring up at him with anger. "I don't know what the fuck that was, but you do not get to see that." And with that, the child shoved him aside and marched into the Institute.

\--------------

The child now sat at _his_ desk, in _his_ Institute, drinking a mug of tea as if nothing was wrong, as he attempted to grill it for information.So far he had discovered the child's first name was Connor, that the child refused to divulge his last name, and that he was not going to go back to America. None of this helped him in the slightest. He needed to get this child back to America, far, far away from his Institute and his plans that the child seemed determined to throw a wrench into.

"Where is your family?" Connor gave him an annoyed look.

"They're in America. Where else would they be?"

Well. He would have to alert the authorities much faster than he originally planned.

"Why do you even care? And why do you have that stupid portrait of yourself above your desk."

What. He looked up at the portrait to see if someone had swapped it with a picture of his current body, but no, it was still his original self. "What do you mean, portrait of myself? That looks nothing like me."

It was true. His original form had been brown-haired and had a very unfortunate attachment to facial hair other than sideburns. And he was, in his personal opinion, now far more attractive than he'd originally been.

"Yes it does. The eyes. They're the same color as yours. And those shitty little glasses. They're the exact pair you're wearing. And, you know, the general smug and bastardly vibe that radiates from you matches up as well. Are you like, some sort of ghost possessing a dude?"

He pardoned his own language, and then mentally screamed a torrent of what was mostly "What the fuck?" Externally he kept his cool and managed to speak.

"No. I am not Jonah Magnus. And if I was, and you told anyone, you would find yourself bleeding out on the floor very quickly."

Connor smirked. "Threatening homicide's not very cool, Mr. Magnus."

Well, now he had no choice. Connor watched, slightly afraid, as he stood up and reached for something under his desk...

\---------------

A half-hour later, the police had arrived due to his phone call and he was convincing them to let him keep custody of Connor until his parents were located. This child was infuriating, but he was not about to kill him. Even he had standards, and they involved not killing children. Especially not children who could resist being Beheld, and throw a seasoned Avatar out of their mind.

Connor just sort of stood there awkwardly, not paying much attention as Mr. Magnus argued with the police. Until a staticky hum filled the air. He looked to the arguing men and saw that one was very afraid.

"I know you killed that man, Officer Brown. I know that you killed him because your wife was cheating with him. It would be absolutely awful if I just called her right now, wouldn't it? If I told her exactly who killed her sweetheart?"

The officer had gone pale. "Alright then, Mr. Bouchard. I'll, uh, I'll let you take the child, for now."

A smug smirk spread across his face.

"And what if the boy's parents cannot be located? I would assume he would stay with me, yes?"

The officer nodded, slowly backing away, before abandoning all pretense and running off.

There was a pause as Connor and Jonah Magnus stared at each other, sizing each other up.

Jonah's thoughts were mostly about how he could use this child who was most likely an Avatar of Beholding, and also about how this would be hilarious to spring on that damned Peter Lukas.

Connor's thoughts were _"Oh, I can't not adopt him as my dad."_


	2. in which jonah's house is mocked

Connor and the man he was going to forcibly adopt stood in the foyer of a lavish house. A crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling, and golden patterns were set into the floor. A flight of stairs with ornately carved banisters and red velvet carpeting sat at the back of the room, going above an archway that lead into the next room.

"Damn. This place sucks." Connor muttered.

He felt the sharp golden gaze turn on him and he sighed. "Like, come on. There's no life! No hominess. It's just. Bland."

Jonah sighed. "Oh, I'm sorry that my house isn't up to snuff with your odd standards. But until we can get you back to America, it's where you'll stay."

Connor filed a mental note to make this house a home.

Jonah led him up to the spare bedroom, which, like the rest of the house, was somehow both opulent and bland at the same time.

"So. Mr. Magnus. You gonna kill me now? For finding out you're some freaky ghost that possessed a dude?"

Were all children this infuriating? Or had he inadvertantly picked the worst one?

"For the last time, my name is Elias Bouchard. I don't mind you calling me Jonah Magnus. But not in public."

Connor was unamused, and his expression made that perfectly clear.

"Alright. Can't promise I won't let it slip, though. Still don't believe you."

Jonah supposed that was the best he'd get out of this child.

\-------------

"WHAT THE FUCK?! Why is your pantry full of nothing but Top Ramen and instant macaroni???"

Oh good. Connor'd discovered his food crimes.

"Language. And it's because I don't have the time to cook often."

Connor marched over to him and looked up at him critically.

"Don't have the time, or don't know how? I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't know how to cook, Mr. Victorian Era Man."

"I'm not from the Victorian Era. I am an enlightened modern man, Connor."

Connor proceeded to cackle like a madman. When he was done with it, he choked out words between gasps.

"Wh-whatever you say, Britboy."

He was seriously considering feeding this child to Peter at their next meeting.

Connor straightened back up and poked him in the chest.

"Come on. We're going shopping. And then I'll teach you how to cook."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for such a short chapter lol


	3. oops all archive groupchat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jonah refuses to touch raw meat. 
> 
> Connor creates an Archive groupchat.
> 
> And Connor also does some musing.

They returned with a fuck-ton of groceries, including, for some reason, cake mix. Jonah had no idea about that one.

An hour later, he was getting yelled at by a fourteen-year-old.

"No! You've got to knead the spice into the turkey! You don't just put it on!"

"I am not going to just- rub my hands all over it! It's raw!"

"Suck it up, Britboy!"

And with that, Connor plunged his bare - but thankfully washed - hands into the bowl of ground turkey. Jonah recoiled in disgust as he began massaging the spice blend into the raw meat.

A couple of minutes later, the turkey had been molded into a loaf and unceremoniously shoved into the pre-heated oven, and Connor was washing the remaining bits of raw meat off his hands.

"You gotta learn to get comfortable with raw meat, Mr. Magnus. If you're going to threaten homicide, you have to be able to back it up."

He shifted nervously in his seat across the kitchen. He knew this child was marked by the Eye. How much did he know? Did he know about Gertrude? He couldn't possibly know about her. Could he? Was this how others felt around him?

"Can you quiet down over there?"

What.

"You must be hearing things. I'm not speaking."

"But I can hear this sort of jumbled buzz of words coming from your direction? It's weird, but it happens all the time. Might be some kind of auditory disorder."

Well. The child had already developed a very weak form of his mind-reading. This was not good. He may have to reveal the existance of the Entities a bit sooner than he anticipated.

\-----------

_groupchat was created by Con Man_

_groupchat was renamed to Archive Gang!!!_

_Con Man has added Jonny D'ville to Archive Gang!!!_

_Con Man has added TimStonker to Archive Gang!!!_

_Con Man has added SishSash to Archive Gang!!!_

_Con Man has added Martin K. Blackwood to Archive Gang!!!_

Con Man: welcome to the Magnus Institute Un-Official groupchat!

Jonny D'ville: Who are you people?

Martin K. Blackwood: Wait... Jonny D'ville? Like from the Mechanisms??

Jonny D'ville: Martin??

Martin K. Blackwood: Jon???

Con Man: aaaanyway while martin kartin is fanboying i'll introduce myself. i'm connor! mr. bouchard's new kid or whatever.

TimStonker: wait you're mr. boss man's kid? he has a kid??

SishSash: Tim, where were you the other day? He adopted a kid literally a few hours ago.

TimStonker: wild

Con Man: anyway i'm here today to talk about the similarities between mr. bouchard and

_Elias Bouchard has joined Archive Gang!!!_

Elias Bouchard: Connor. Did you really make an Archive groupchat and not add me?

_Elias Bouchard has been kicked from Archive Gang!!!_

_Archive Gang!!! has been set to private._

TimStonker: what

_Jonny D'Ville has set their nickname to Jonathan Sims._

Jonathan Sims: So. Connor. Why did you make an Archive groupchat? You're not an employee. You're a child.

Con Man: because i wanted to make fun of mr. bouchard with his employees duh

Con Man: so anyway have yall noticed the similiarities between mr. bouchard and jonah magnus?

TimStonker: damn i'm not the only one?? but yeah he has the insufferable aura that comes from old jimmy magma's portrait.

Jonathan Sims: My point still stands. And does nobody else find it odd that Elias adopted a child? Out of nowhere?

Martin K. Blackwood: Sorry, sorry, let me catch up. Jon. YOU'RE Jonny D'ville???

Jonathan Sims: Yes.

_Martin K. Blackwood has gone offline._

TimStonker: damn boss, you killed him

SishSash: Oh, don't talk like that, Tim. He's probably just freaking out about his boss being part of his favorite band.

Con Man: oh shit mr. bouchard's about to chew me out for removing him from the gc gotta go

_Con Man has gone offline._

TimStonker: wow can't believe martin and the big boss man's kid are gonna die in the same day

Jonathan Sims: Back to work, everyone. Before Elias gets mad at us, too.

_Jonathan Sims has gone offline._

_TimStonker has gone offline._

_SishSash has gone offline._

It had been a long day. And now Connor lay in bed, wondering. This was all very new to him. He'd hidden out on an airplane, and followed his instincts to the Magnus Institute of London. He was far away from everyone he'd ever known and loved, and away from everyone he'd feared as well. Maybe this would be good for him. A fresh start. A fresh start with a man from the Victorian era who had threatened homicide against him, but a fresh start nonetheless. This could be a lot of fun.


	4. jon becomes concerned for a child's health

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jon has a migraine.
> 
> Connor accidentally makes it worse.

Jon entered work, tired and grumpy. He had a massive headache. Chronic migraines were awful. He headed to the breakroom, intent on getting a cup of black tea before starting work. What greeted him in the breakroom instantly worsened his headache. A small, unhealthily pale and skinny child sat perched on the table like some sort of gremlin bird, chugging what he assumed was tea out of a thermos. Tim was trying to wrestle the thermos out of the child's hands as Martin and Sasha watched in extreme concern.

"No! Connor, stop! This is your fifteen thermos!"

The child finished chugging and set down the thermos with a clank. He grinned almost ferally at Jon. "These suckers asked how much tea I could drink. Thought I wouldn't like it 'cause I'm American. They were wrong."

Jon just kept staring in a mixture of shock and horror. This little gremlin-monster-child was the one Elias had adopted? _This_ was Connor? The child hopped off the table and extended a hand to Jon; he uneasily noted how he could wrap his entire hand around the skinny wrist. He carefully shook it, a bit nervous. This little feral child was cocky. He was reminded of another cocky teenager he'd met once. He'd been around this kid's age... He shuddered. Now was not the time to think of that.

The child looked at him, his scrutinizing gaze flashing purple for a moment. He blinked. No, this child's eyes were a gray-green color. No purple.

"You're Jon, right?"

Jon nodded, a bit uncomfortable at how this child was scanning him. Connor backed up and straightened his back, before grinning a less-feral and more excited grin.

"I knew I recognized you, 'First Mate D'ville'! I may not have showed it last night in the groupchat, but I _love_ the Mechanisms! Your singing voice, it's just. God."

"Well, uh. Thank you. And you're Connor, correct? Elias's new kid?"

"Yep!"

He hoped that under Elias's care, this child would gain some weight. The poor thing looked starved. Connor seemed oblivious to the concern in his gaze. He just let go of Jon's hand and appeared to listen intently for a moment. A shout of "Connor! Come here, please?" echoed down the corridor in Elias's unmistakable tone.

Connor took a deep breath and bellowed "Coming!" before grabbing the thermos and darting to the door of the breakroom. He waved at the Archivist and his assistants, cheerfully said "Nice meeting y'all!" and rushed out of the room.

Jon blinked at the doorway. That had been... an experience. He shook his head, and began filling a mug with hot water. He would need some _very_ strong tea after that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> not me revealing more about my traumatic backstory


	5. worm off the string what will she do?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Jane Prentiss attacks the Institute, and Sasha James has a run-in with the Not-Them.

Connor sat in Mr. Magnus's office, very bored. He'd brought a book with him, but he'd finished that an hour ago. And Mr. Magnus was nowhere to be found. So he was lounging on the desk like a bored and scrawny cat. He could hear footsteps, fast and thumping, coming down the hall, and what sounded like a fleshy tidal wave following. He slid off the desk as Mr. Magnus burst into the room and slammed the door behind him. And then locked it. And then began pushing a bookshelf across the door. Connor stared in horror and confusion as he grabbed the fire extinguisher off the wall and clambered atop his desk, before slipping over it and hiding underneath it. He peered over the desk, at the lanky ginger-haired man who was clutching the extinguisher as if it were his firstborn child.

"Get down here!" Mr. Magnus hissed at him through gritted teeth. The tone of his voice made it very clear that there was an unspoken "now". So Connor obliged, climbing over the desk and dropping to the floor, crouching next to Mr. Magnus, who seemed to be listening for something. Audible above the sounds of their own breathing and heartbeat was a sort of squishy, slithery noise. Mr. Magnus's grip on the fire extinguisher tightened. A tense moment passed, and then the noise was gone. Mr. Magnus peered over the desk, before vaulting over it. Connor stood up and watched him crack the door open, before climbing back over the desk to join him.

"Come on." he whispered, carefully stepping outside the office, fire extinguisher brandished like a weapon. Connor followed him, trying to make as little noise as possible. He didn't know what was going on and he was afraid to ask. But ask he would.

"So. Mr. M- Bouchard. What's going on?"

He was quickly shushed. "Jane Prentiss."

Well, that explained nothing. But he followed Mr. Magnus through the halls like a baby duckling, trying to be silent. A shadow, person shaped, fell across the wall in front of them. Mr. Magnus aimed the fire extinguisher. And a short, curly-haired woman in a sweater and pleated skirt rounded the corner. Mr. Magnus let the fire extinguisher drop a little.

"Ah. It's just you, Sasha. I thought it might be Jane Prentiss."

Sasha shook her head.

"I thought _you_ were Prentiss!"

Jonah sighed. "Why would Prentiss have a child with her, Sasha?"

"I don't know! She could have gotten him!"

"Who the fuck is Jane Prentiss??"

There was a pause. And a slithering, squelching sound filled the air as a woman entered the room. Her skin was rotting, falling off her face and staining her already-ruine red dress. Her flesh was full of small holes from which worms oozed.

"That," whispered Jonah, "is Jane Prentiss."

There was another pause. And Sasha broke the trance by screaming "RUN!" at the top of her lungs. She darted down the corridor to artifact storage, and Connor grabbed the stunned Jonah by the collar and began dragging him along after him, running down the corridors as all they could hear was the squirming noises. A brief, deranged thought of a Vine entered Connor's mind, and he blurted out "That's the sound of good pussy."

They all stopped. Jonah, Connor and Jane stared at each other. Connor looked absolutely mortified, Jonah looked horrified, and Jane looked offended. And majorly ticked off.

"Right." She said, in a voice that dripped with... something, and wormed (no pun intended) into your ears and made you feel like you'd never be clean again. "I'm sorry, but I'm going to assimilate you two into the Hive now! It'll hurt for a bit but then you'll be much happier."

Jonah and Connor stared as she got closer, closer yet closer. She was almost upon them, her worms rising up in a tidal wave behind her, when... a phone rang. She stopped.

"Oh shit, I'm sorry, I just have to take this."

She turned and stalked away, pulling a cell phone out of her pocket and holding it up to where an ear _might_ have been, but was now just the ear canal surrounded by a mess of pitted holes, and listened.

"Oh! Hi Gerry!"

A pause.

"SHIT. I'm sorry, I'm at the Institute right now, I totally forgot about my flight in an hour."

Silence.

"No, no, we don't have to reschedule, I can get to the airport in time!"

More silence.

"Alright! See you at the airport in Honolulu! Bring some food for the worms. A pig or stray dog should do. Bye!"

She brought the phone back down from her ear, tapped a button on the screen, and turned back to Jonah and Connor, who were still staring at her, completely dumbfounded.

"Yeah, sorry about this, but I can't do this today. I'm supposed to be going to visit my friend Gerry, he lives in Hawaii. Can we reschedule for like, a month or two from now?"

No response.

"You know what, Mr. Bouchard, I'll email you about when might be a good time for me to attack the Institute, my handle is hivequeenjaney@gmail.com. So sorry about this." And with that, she turned and walked away, her worms following behind her.

As soon as she was gone, Jonah and Connor turned to each other. Connor was the first to break the silence.

"What, and I cannot stress this enough, the _fuck_ was that?"

\-----------------

A few rooms away, at the same time as Connor and Jonah were privy to an awkward phone call, Sasha James had barricaded herself into Artifact Storage. She dropped to the floor, panting. She wished she had a flashlight on her, as the dim and flickering bulbs hadn't been changed in years. A rustling filled the air, and she jumped to her feet. She cautiously stepped further into the storage room, her eyes falling onto a web-patterned table in a corner. Her gaze traced the intricate patterns. Funny. She didn't recall a table being brought in. She was about to step closer, when the rustling became louder. She wheeled around, heart thudding in her chest. Had the worms gotten in? Or worse, was something in here she didn't know about?

"Hello? I see you! Show yourself!" she shouted to the room. Slowly, painfully, a long and lanky creature that was pale white and all joints, hairless and smooth like a mole rat, unfurled itself from the shadows. Her eyes widened, and she was about to scream, when suddenly, recognition flashed in her eyes.

"Oh, thank god. It's just you, Mimic. I was worried there might be a monster in here, haha."

The creature laughed softly, in a voice eerily similar to Sasha's own.

"No monsters in here, Sasha. Just me. I assume you're also hiding from Prentiss?"

Here, it is important to note that Sasha did not see the creature. At least not for what it really was. In her mind, this was Sasha Sostituzione, a tall and thin human who it's coworkers had nicknamed Mimic as a way of distinguishing it from herself. Mimic had supposedly joined the Institute almost half a year back. Of course, it had not been inside the Institute until today. But Sasha didn't know that. And so she and the monster waited until their coworkers came and told them the coast was clear. Jonah, of course, could see Mimic for what it really was. He didn't care. Why would he complain about a new employee? Even if they were disgustingly Stranger-affiliated, it was free labor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh yeah did i mention this is an everybody lives fic? and i mean everybody. minus like two people.


	6. oh shit oh fuck the christmas chapter is late

A few weeks had passed since the Worm Invasion. Things were running smoothly. And now. It was time for the Annual Institute Holiday Party. Connor sat in the backseat of what he nicknamed the "Magnusmobile" (it was actually a BMW, but Magnusmobile was funnier) as Mr. Magnus monologued a list of rules at him that were to Never Ever Be Broken Under Any Circumstance.

Currently, the list looked something like this.

\- No alcohol.

\- If Tim tells you to do something, don't.

\- Be careful around Mimic. (he did not explain why).

Those were the ones he remembered, there had been a lot more but he'd tuned out around the time he mentioned Tim and was just nodding his head and smiling.

"I'll be fine, sheesh. You sound like a fucking dad."

"Language!"

And with that, they left the Magnusmobile behind and were about to enter the building. Mr. Magnus's phone rang. He answered it and listened intently for a moment. "Shit!"

"Language."

"I'm sorry, Connor, but I have a very important business meeting. We'll have to explain to the others that the party is cancelled this year."

Connor frowned for a second, before brightening up. "Or I could make sure everyone stays in line?"

There was a moment of pause. Their eyes met. They were sizing each other up, considering several things. Someone sighed, though they never figured out who.

"...Fine. You can stay."

And with that, Connor rushed inside.

The Annual Institute Holiday Party was kind of boring, actually. Everyone was just sort of standing around as the various Christmas trees twinkled menacingly. Connor had never seen a menacing tree before, but these ones certainly were. He couldn't place why, but they Just Were. But he had more important matters to attend to. He climbed on top of a table. All eyes turned to him.

"Listen up folks. I have an announcement. Mr. Bouchard will NOT be attending this party for business reasons. SO. We have free reign over this shitty little party. GO WILD!"

Silence. Complete, and utter silence. And then Tim climbed atop a different table. "You heard the kid! LET'S GET WILD!"

After that, the night was a blur. Tim went out for an hour and came back with a case of drinks and also quite a lot of Cheez Wiz. Mimic somehow got ahold of copious amounts of Silly String, and so it and Connor used it to decorate Mr. Magnus's office. Decorate here is a code word for "spray it fucking everywhere." Sasha and Tim hotboxed Jon's office (Jon had not attended the party, as it was, to quote, "silly and frivolous".) The vaguely threatening Christmas trees were utterly destroyed. So when Mr. Magnus came back, it was to find his charge covered in silly string, wearing Christmas lights as a very complicated cloak, and so sugar high that he couldn't see straight. The car ride home was far less fun than the party had been. If Connor had thought that the rules monologue was bad, this was worse. Nothing was said. Just cold silence. Still, you only live once. No regrets.


End file.
